I fear I have neglected this blog for far to long and it’s for the very excuse I loathe, work.
Have you ever just had a string of days where you can gradually feel yourself going mad? well not necessarily mad but I can feel my out look on life and world view slowly change for the worst so my mental state is being affected! It’s just I have had the worst of days recently after 4 days off and 4 days of pure bliss (will write about them soon!) and now for the past 4 days I have had a pattern of late finishes and early starts (which I should question the legality of but alas nothing will probably be done about it) and with me lack of sleep and being deprived my all important sleep in for a period of time really get to me. Sleep is very important so I have been trying to go to be as early as possible but being a night owl and feel I am quite productive on a night makes it very difficult for me to switch off ‘early’ and not my normal time of 1 or 2 AM. So with early starts, feeling like I’m constantly at work and being to exhausted to do anything slightly productive in between work and sleep , I fear I’m slowly losing my mind! Today I uttered the phrase ‘ I hate my life’ when I discovered I do not have a day off until Monday meaning I’m working 8 days straight, and this is very unlike me, perhaps it was unintentional, a bit over dramatic and maybe ever so slightly for a comic effect, but it still was very unlike me, I generally have a very positive outlook , but I can feel the venom of negativity swilling around in my head slowly ebbing away at my happy go lucky thought process. The venom may only be temporary but I am sick of being in a bad mood, it is so unlike me! I’ll just have to wait and see how I am after a nice sleep in, surely back to my normal self?
Anyway the days of joy I experienced was related to my birthday, I gained an extra year at life and I am now 21. People tell me how important it is and I can see their point but to me turning 20 was the biggest change. It’s when I finally took more responsibility for myself and properly started to consider my future, thinking about the important things like careers and so forth which to be fair I should of probably started to consider a long time ago, but it’s just how it worked out for me!
As for my birthday, my parents were nice enough to hire a room for me and my twin to celebrate our birthdays in style! It was a great sensation having everyone I loved in one room, being able to go anywhere in that room and find someone I wanted to talk to. Combined with the choice of my own music, free alcohol and everyone being super nice to me because it was my birthday (most of them are normally!) it was near enough some of the most perfect 4 hours anyone could ask for. Well aside from a certain sibling hooking up with a certain ex but then again it wasn’t a big a deal as you may think!
So now I am a year older and more determined to make something out of myself than ever! But obviously because of my negative mind set recently I’m thinking it is getting far less likely. I know I really shouldn’t think it but the same things keep flowing round my mind! ‘You’ve been in the cinema job for 2 years of your life and have barely been promoted. what are you still doing there?’ and ’should I go back to uni before my very average a levels mean less than they do now!’ I really shouldn’t be thinking about these sorts of things because you build on what you’ve been fortunate enough to achieve yourself so instead of moaning I should try my best with the qualifications and skills I have acquired (no matter how little they seem!) I just need to try harder, stop complaining about how little I have achieved because of how very little effort I have put into anything it’s what I deserve, I need to gain more skills, learn more things and just work towards something and not quit! Once I have done this all this inner conflict, all this self doubt. it all should just disappear!
That is why the list is so important to me, there may be some insignificant things on there, but also some skills, some things I can put some effort into, some things I will be proud to achieve when I have! I am working on them, though it may seem I have neglected to write about any of them in this entry, but it all seems a little to insignificant to write about at this moment. I will do this!
will report back a lot sooner than last time!
until then,
Wes Out!
